Everyone has their own morning routine, right? My day always starts with a quick morning walk for the dogs. Before I do anything else, I am out the door with the dogs. I’m pretty comfortable where I live, I’ve been here almost half my life. I don’t feel the need to look spectacular whenever I go out, but I do try to look like a functioning human… for the most part.
On this particular morning I was in a pair of tattered, old, almost see-through sweatpants (they should probably be tossed out, but they’re just so comfy!). With no coffee yet, I was definitely not ready to be awake, and could not muster the energy to put on a bra. But alas, the dogs need to wee, so morning walk we must!
I must stress that in any other PJs or sweats I’d walk the dog without much thought, but these sweatpants are not for the feint of heart. They shouldn’t go into public spaces, and I should have changed, but the fully awake devil on my half awake shoulder was saying,
“Just take the dogs out real quick. To the alley and back. They didn’t do their business last night on their long walk, so they’ll probably be quick. No one will notice you….”
Off we went.
The street was pretty empty, Bacio did his business, Yuki did hers, just as I had predicted. I just had to throw the bag out in the alley and get back inside!
This is when my luck turned.
A car pulled up, presumably to look at an apartment for rent. They got out of the car and were just standing there for a while when Yuki decided squat into round 2. Literally right in front of the apartment seekers, doing her best to make direct eye contact as she was in her squat.
If that wasn’t awkward enough, as an environmentally conscious individual, I try to conserve poop bags, usually picking up all the morning presents with one bag. Of course the bag this morning was almost at capacity, but I didn’t bring another bag because this was supposed to be a quick little 2 minute jaunt to the alley and back.
Carefully, I managed to get everything picked up. Now here I am, in an outfit that looks like it came from Zoolander’s Derelicte campaign, with my bonus gigantic plastic grocery bag acting as my poop-purse accessory. I sighed to myself, muttering about there only being two more houses left walk past until the alley on this awkward morning walk. It was fine… I’d only been seen by a few people, and chances are they probably wouldn’t end up living on my street.
Once at the alley I went to flip open the dumpster lid. Thats when things really went downhill.
The Morning Walk Gets Worse
A squirrel SPRUNG out of the dumpster when I opened it. Obviously startled, I blindly threw the bag of feces. It made a loud thud against the inside of the metal dumpster and triggered the lid to snap closed like clapping cymbals. At the same time that I was creating a dumpster symphony, Yuki accompanied me by singing her opera to the squirrel, and while trying to not be attacked by a jumping squirrel I stepped on Bacio. He let out a big yelp and I think everyone on the block now knew I, in my tattered, disgusting sweatpants and braless glory, existed.